I have been thinking about all of the old tapes/voices that run through my head. Of course there are positive voices, but there is also a sabotaging line of thoughts that I sometimes don't even realize are there. When I do hear them, the tapes are like a nasty, two-faced, elementary school kid who zings me with a cutting look or sarcastic comment as I go to do something that might involve a risk. The voices whisper words that make me shrink when I am in a group and contribute to the conversation.
I can envision a gargoyle sitting on high. Judging.
There is always the good ol' "Who do you think you are?" or "What will people think?" or "Be sure to fit in." The voices from years of observing and being acutely aware of the interactions between people and what I perceive their effects to be. The voices that trick me into thinking they are actually coming from me, keeping me safe, but aren't at all who I am.
This month, I was challenged to give the voices an image. Something that I could see physically and make a connection with. I did some hunting and couldn't find a gargoyle or a nasty, elementary kid statue around town, so I decided to just get them all out on paper.
It was like throwing up phlegm. It was an exercise in "getting to the heart of it." It was sad, refreshing, disgusting, and dark all at the same time.
It was hard to read over the list, but it was all there. And what was also there was the realization that I don't believe any of those things. I have made choices in my life that show I don't believe them. The tapes are outdated and need to be thrown! But, for some reason, I wasn't ready to burn them yet.
I couldn't trust myself to let the past be the past. "What if I need a reminder that this is the crazy voice that I don't want to listen to?" "What if I forget that the message that I am hearing isn't really me?"
I took a baby-step and I wrote the positive affirmations that discount the nastiness. I wrote all of the things that I do believe in my heart that are in contrast to the old words. I printed it out and I folded it up for a later date.
Well, today was that later date! I came to a realization. Had a break-through. I thought of how I could take care of them and honor me.
The other day I had worked on a little art project which involved personalizing a small brown box. I did it without a lot of thought. I just threw some images on the cover and put a little Mod Podge on top to keep it together. When I sat and looked at it later, I realized it was a little gem. The box has some of my favorite colors. It has texture. It isn't perfect, but it is unique. It has an element of nature and some images that I connect to. It's beauty in imperfection!
I decided that I am going to only keep the affirmations. I will rewrite them, cut them up, and slip them inside the little box. I am ready to set the old lines free and keep my heartfelt songs treasured for when I need them.
Why would I want to look back at the nasty ones when what I need right now are positive, daily affirmations that I am on the right path. That my thoughts, words, and actions are coming from a place of pure joy, love, interest. I need a miniature cheerleader in my corner shouting the beliefs that are coming from my heart and not the worn-out, grey gargoyle's judgment or the zings from the pasty, elementary kid.
I'm feeling free of those voices today and it is good!
Have you taken time to listen to what your inner voices have to say? Is there an image that captures them?
Do you need to start listening to some new tapes?
Comments
Post a Comment