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Strong and Gentle



This week I have been reverting back to the old habits of do, do, doing.
Man, it gets tough when I get in one of these ruts.
I become consumed with my list and getting things done.  My day is run on high, my adrenaline coursing.  I push and push to get one more thing done.  I don't sit until the kids get to bed and then I grab a glass of wine and collapse.  Too tired to feel peaceful or content.
What gets me to this place?
Why do I let myself go this far?
Here's what I know...   I have taken a break from yoga and moments of quiet.  My journal has only been opened to collect quotes that I will look at "when I have time."  My daily walk has been another thing to check off the list and is more about my dog's energy level than my happiness.  I am searching blogs and checking out books from the library for answers instead of listening to my own wisdom.
Resentment and overwhelm build and build when I am in this space, which makes it hard to live with me.  I am a time manager with the kids and exhausted when I want to spend time with my husband.
A few weeks ago, I was challenged to look at the reality that I "do strong" really well but maybe the reason I am on this earth is to help people learn how to "do gentle."  What an idea!  Could I learn this for myself and then be able to pass on the knowledge to others?  Instead of being known as someone who'll always "git-r-done."  I could be an example of what it looks like to be kind to yourself.
This would involve letting go of the notion that going slow, sitting down, taking time for myself equals laziness and that productivity equals worth.  Two hard things to turn off, but essential, especially when I have a goal to live a vibrant life.  Vibrancy and task master don't really go hand-in-hand.
It took me a few weeks to mull this all over-wait, who am I kidding, I have been struggling with this my whole life!  But again, I had to get stuck in the muck in order to realize that I have to dig myself out.  I made a plan and here I am, on my own at a B&B.  I am taking care of my needs.  I am journaling, resting, exploring, getting nourished with amazing food, taking a bath, painting, hiking.  I am on a retreat for myself.  It isn't easy to get away and there is some guilt, but my heart said I needed this to restart, and I found a way to listen to it's whisper.
I don't have a goal for these two nights other than to leave here with a stronger commitment to be gentle with myself.  I won't be able to take two nights again in the near future, but I can find small ways to be good to myself.  It might be as simple as making a cup of tea and sitting for ten minutes or treating myself to lunch.  Small shifts may lead to big improvements in my energy and ease with myself.
I may go home with a list, but I am hoping this one is more fun to check off.

Do you find yourself pushing when what you need is to give up?  
What is one thing you could do to be more gentle with yourself?

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