Breathing Space & More...

I have been thinking about all of the old tapes/voices that run through my head.  Of course there are positive voices, but there is also a sabotaging line of thoughts that I sometimes don't even realize are there.  When I do hear them, the tapes are like a nasty, two-faced, elementary school kid who zings me with a cutting look or sarcastic comment as I go to do something that might involve a risk.  The voices whisper words that make me shrink when I am in a group and contribute to the conversation. I can envision a gargoyle sitting on high.  Judging. There is always the good ol' "Who do you think you are?" or "What will people think?" or "Be sure to fit in."  The voices from years of observing and being acutely aware of the interactions between people and what I perceive their effects to be.  The voices that trick me into thinking they are actually coming from me, keeping me safe, but aren't at all who I am. This month, I was challe...

Today I couldn't decide how to use my day.  What should I do first? My list of "to-dos" was long and eating at me, but I couldn't seem to figure out what to do or how to make any dents in those projects. What could I do so that I could feel like I was making some progress?  How could I get rid of the self-doubt and the feeling that the path was uncertain?  Nothing was clear and fear had crept in. So, I gave up and started to organize.  I cleared the clutter.  I sorted through the old.  I tossed and recycled.  I reminisced and remembered.  I made new lists.  I created new systems and made space. I gained strength.  I gained perspective.  I gained confidence. I am again and again reminded that to move forward we need to clear the clutter of the past.  Clear the heaviness, clear the old thoughts & patterns, clear the way for new ideas and growth. I read recently that doing inner work is like window washing.  We are ...

My husband reminds me that as my sister gave her toast on my wedding night, she mentioned that I was one on the most spiritual people that she knew.  I guess that part of the speech didn't really stick with me because I don't know if I understood what the word "spiritual" meant to me. I might have thought she was saying, "she's such a good Catholic girl," because at that time, I was a very diligent church-goer.  I had sang in the church choir.  I said my prayers.  I had learned some valuable ways to find stillness and peace because of the religious rituals of the church.  But...  was I spiritual? Yes, I think I was.  I think I now realize that all of the journaling, quiet walks, and time for reflection that I needed, were a part of my spiritual ritual/life.  Now, I am finding that I don't turn to the religious rituals that I used to think were so important in keeping me grounded and centered.  I have found many more ways to live out my fait...

As I sit and stew about where my life is going and how I will get there and what will I do next and what decision is the best and on and on and on....  I am reminded that each day I am growing toward the light.  Even when I don't feel it or see it, there is something pulling me forward.  Growing me. When life gets overwhelming or I am impatient or unsure.  I will remember this and take a deep breath.  Being so concerned with tomorrow makes it hard to enjoy the simplicity of today.   No one has experienced that things that I have and no one thinks of things the way that I do.  I will find the little niche that brings out the best of me.  What God intends my spirit to express.  What God is drawing me to.  Ready to shine. As you carry out your daily routines are you able to feel the pull and stretch of growth inside yourself?

Today I am thinking about how hard it is for me to state commitments.... Whenever I am asked questions like, "What's music do you like?  What is your favorite movie or book?"  I don't have an answer. What is it???  Truly.  What is behind this indecision? Maybe... I am afraid to state a commitment because I have never cared enough to decide. I am afraid to state a commitment because I might have an awkward moment if someone else doesn't like it. I am afraid to state a commitment because I might be judged. I am afraid to state a commitment because it might be wrong in someone else's eyes. I am afraid to state a commitment because someone will make fun of me. I am afraid to state a commitment because I will have to support the decision. I am afraid to state a commitment because it shows my vulnerability. I am afraid to state a commitment because someone might pigeonhole me. I guess what keeps coming up is judgment!!! I am going to go...

I have always noticed dragonflies Up North.  We were overjoyed to see them scooting back and forth through the trees, as we relied on their mosquito hunting skills to keep us sane in the evenings.  They would land on the boat or our pole while we were out on the lake. In Guatemala, a dragonfly landed on me while we were engaged in some quiet moments of concentration.  I didn't even notice it.  Later, someone mentioned it and said that I was blessed by the dragonfly.  I came home and considered them, but didn't think too hard about it.  I have never attached myself to a totem. So it surprised me when dragonflies made another prominent appearance last summer at the cabin.  I started to see them in a new way.  I began to notice the details of their coloring and unique iridescence of their bodies.  I marveled in their little shapes and once again was reminded of the miracles of nature.  I came home and started to look up the symbol of a dr...

"Something in our very fiber knows where the light is." M. Nepo My reading today reminded me to watch buds, shoots, plants, as they stretch and grow this spring and be aware of their relationship to the light above and the dark below. Imagine it as a mirror of something in me about to break ground. I became a bit confused about the light and dark and the spirit and inwardness that he was talking about.  It all seemed mysterious.  But what I am planning to ponder today, beyond my amazement in the new growth and green that I have so missed this winter, is the idea of our inward contemplation and our heart's desire.  Our spirit is drawing us to the light and the ease of life-our calling, our passion, our easy place.  And our inwardness can keep us grounded and secure as we start to shoot up toward our desires.  Our dark keeps us steady, but can only take us so far.  It needs light to expand and root even further.  Courage, strength, and deter...