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Letting go & holding on- how you can do both at the same time


Everyday I am thinking about letting go.  My days are spent in sessions with clients, or reading about decluttering tips, or writing blog posts, all in an effort to support clients as they let go of clutter and unwanted habits.  Letting go is something that I have made into my life's work, but never is it more "in my face" than when I sit with my grandma at the nursing home.  My grandma has Dementia/Alzheimers.  I don't even know what or which or why or how, but I do know that it seems we have lost her to the disease and letting go & holding on are happening all at once.
As I sit and watch her sleep, I can stroke her hand and feel the many memories of playing Go to the Dump or Crazy Eight on my days off of Kindergarten, getting a home perm in her kitchen in elementary school, and painting my nails at her kitchen nook in H.S.  I remember learning how to snap a dish towel with my cousins as we cleaned up from holiday gatherings & singing and dancing on the linoleum floor with my aunts.
All the while, grandma was there.  Opening her door for family to meet up, sleep over, laugh together, and make memories.
As I sit with her now, I have to let go of us ever rehashing those good times.  She won't be able to ask about my growing kids & their activities; something she always prided herself on keeping up on.  She won't play cards or make her famous Monster Cookies, but what she can do, and what I keep looking for with each visit, is a little smirk or a little noise that only she makes.  Gestures that our family has come to know so well.  It is a way to see the woman inside.  The mother, grandmother, great-grandmother who loved & gave, who worked & believed.  A woman who shaped who I am today.
I am letting go of any expectations that I hold for my time left with grandma.  I am holding on to the good times & letting them flow over me as we sit and wait.

Comments

  1. UnknownMay 10, 2016 at 9:47 AM

    Beautifully said!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KateMay 10, 2016 at 11:51 AM

      Thanks. For me writing makes the hard stuff a little easier to understand.

      Delete

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